I've had enough

The only people who understand chronic pain are the ones who suffer through it. Period. I'm at my absolute end with people who compare their headaches or other body pains that come and go with my shit that is never-ending. 

I'm sorry you need body parts replaced. But hey hey! YOU CAN GET THEM REPLACED! My shit isn't going to be replaced. It's here for the lifetime of the model. Your "tiredness" does not compare to my fucking fatigue. 

This isn't a goddamn game, but if it were...you would fucking LOSE!

Do you know why chronic pain sufferers don't complain a lot?

1. We're "used to" the pain. It's never-ending. There's no downtime or intermission. It's continual.

2. No one gives a shit.

3. Suddenly, it's the comparison game. Also, fuck you.

4. I can have spasms shooting through my entire body, and you would never fucking know it. Amazing, huh?

5. My pain level starts at a 5 and goes to a 12. I'm sure other chronic sufferers have their own scales.

Also, do you not think I feel like absolute shit for doing the bare minimum? Bullets used to bounce off my chest. Washing my hair? The first thing I do when I take a shower? Christ almighty. I want to sit down. Never mind shaving my armpits or washing my entire body. Getting dressed? Trying to catch my breath afterwards. Little things exhaust the shit out of me. 

I have the memory of a fucking goldfish. What was I just talking about? I hope to shit you remember because I can forget in the middle of the sentence. But THAT could be my newly diagnosed ADHD.

Woot!

So.

To add to my Generalized Anxiety Disorder, my PTSD, and my Persistent Depressive Disorder, we have our newly-minted ADHD.

And our new med doc doesn't like my combo of scrips because there is TOO MUCH SEROTONIN (tell that to my fucking brain) and adding shit for my ADHD may kick me over into Serotonin Syndrome or some shit or I don't fucking know.

M'kay.

Maybe let's wean off my Paxil. Going down from 40's back to 30's. Also, talk to PCP about maybe going off Duloxetine. 

I've taken Duloxetine for over 15 years. We'll see what the PCP says. It's for depression but also has a pain pathway for my Fibro.

And ALL THIS SHIT simply for me to add another drug that can hopefully help me FOCUS. That's my Jiminy Cricket wish, anyway. 

But honestly? Two days on 30mg of Paxil, and I'm not sleeping for shit. Well, less than usual. I'm awake from 11:38 pm to past 1:07 am with more fun to come after 3:13 am and every fifteen mins after that. My headache right now? Oh, that bitch is banging. 

Chronic pain sufferers? We also feel like Frankenstein's monster. I can't control my pain. The only thing I can hope to do is try and "manage" this shit. At best. 

And we're constantly seeking validation from each other. I have tinnitus. Do you? I have shooting pains down my right leg when I'm trying to sleep. Do you? Do you have an eye tic? Plantar fasciitis? Migraines? Blurry vision? Leg cramps? Back spasms? Dry mouth? Trembling hands? Flares in your arms? Nightmares? Acne? Greasy hair? Diarrhea? Constipation? 

We seek camaraderie. We don't want to be in this fight alone, even though we very much are. It's this shitty little club we wouldn't wish on our worst enemy, but we strive to give comfort to those likewise afflicted.

I see you, my chronic sufferers. I feel you. And if you want to drop a line or two and tell me about YOUR bullshit, then I will hear you!

Much love,

Crystal*